Dawn of Sorrow
by fortheloveofronweasley
Summary: What if Bella did plan to kill herself the day on the cliffs? What if Jacob never found her? What if Edward came back a month later to check on her and only found a letter? Canon pairings! Revieeew
1. Chapter 1

Bella. Bella. Bella. _Bella. _

Seven months, seven months without my life, without my heart, without my love, without _her_.

I tugged at my severely dishevelled hair. I couldn't do this anymore. I had to see her. Just make sure she was safe. Oh, whom was I kidding? I wanted to leap through her window and grovel on my knees, asking her forgiveness. I wanted to breath in her sinful scent and take her in my arms. I _needed_ her. Okay, just a quick peak to ensure her safety. I pulled on a new shirt for the first time in a real long time.

I'll come with you Edward. And don't think about saying no, it's my choice. I need my best friend **and** my brother back.

Alice's mental voice came from downstairs. "I'm not staying Alice. I'm just checking up on her. She won't know I'm there." I called down.

Yeah right

I sighed as I realised I wouldn't be able to leave her again. I was going home. Home where my heart lay.

I found myself feeling almost happy for the first time since I had left my love. As we sprinted from the Port Angelles airport (it was faster and easier than renting a car) I felt the need to be with my Bella grow bigger.

We arrived at her house a short time after. As I walked through her garden I suddenly started to think about her reaction to me

I _left_ her. What if she hated me? What if she had moved on? What if she loved someone else?

I was glad I came alone; Alice had reluctantly agreed to go back to the house so I could talk with Bella first. I don't think I could deal with having my sister there if I was rejected by my love.

I decided to knock on her door, be polite. Do it the right way.

I took a deep unnecessary breath, braced myself, and knocked on my love, my Bella's front door.

I heard shuffling inside the house and only then did it occur to me that I couldn't smell her. Well, I could, but only vaguely.

_What if she had moved?_ I froze. I wanted her to move on, I told myself, not convincing anyone.

After about a minute Charlie Swan opened the door. He froze when he saw me. And then he looked at me with so much hate in his eyes that I cringed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here Cullen?" he sneered.

"ehm, I, I came to see Bella, Chief Swan", I said in a low voice.

"Do you think this is funny? Isn't it enough for you to kill my daughter, but to come here and mock me about it? DO YOU?" He was shouting, and crying.

I was completely taken aback. I was prepared for him to be mad, but he was terrifying.

At that point something struck me. He said I had killed Bella.

"Sir, what do you mean? Where's Bella? I just want to, I need to, where is she?" I choked out. I had never been so scared in my entire life.

Then Charlie Swan looked up at me and said the three words I never knew could cause me more pain than anything.

"She killed herself"

I slumped to my knees. My angel couldn't be dead. She couldn't be. She had to live! My body trembled with dry sobs. Charlie was yelling at me, I didn't hear a thing.

Then I vaguely felt something being thrown at me. And then the door slammed. I refused to believe it. It was some sort of sick joke. It had to be. I don't know how long I sat on her front steps. Long. Long enough for Alice to see it and come get it and then sit as she tried to make me tell her what happened.

I could only think of one thing. My angel, my Bella was gone. Gone to heaven, away from the monsters that never should have intervened with her life in the first place.

Alice somehow got me home to our old house, the only home I had. It was cold. Just like us, soulless, dangerous, cruel.

Alice just sat with me. After a few ours I managed to whisper what had happened. Alice sobbed, and apologised for not seeing. I told her not too. I had given her orders to not watch her future. It was all me. The monster.

Sometime after I noticed that I clutched the object Charlie had thrown at me earlier. It was an envelope with my name scribbled on it. It was salt-water stains all over it making it crispy. It was Bellas handwriting. I stroke my fingers lovingly over it. It was all I had left of my love. My victim.

"What is it your holding, Edward?" Alice's voice was dead. It pained me even more. I had not only killed my love, but I had killed parts of my family too. "Charlie gave it to me. It's from her." I whispered.

"You should read it Edward." I couldn't. It would make it too real. I had a pretty good idea what this was and I knew I wouldn't be able to do this without my family here.

I have already called them Edward. They will be here in half an hour

When my family walked through the doors Alice immediately slammed into Jasper and started to sob uncontrollably. I just sat there. They sat near me. Everyone close to their loved ones. My love was gone. Another dry sob racked my body.

I gave the letter to Carlisle's questioning look.

_What is this Edward. It's addressed to you, shouldn't you.._

I shook my head and closed my eyes. I could my family's eyes on me. But I couldn't bring myself to care.

Uncertainty in his mind, Carlisle started to read the words that killed and buried the rest of my cold heart.

_Dear Edward_

_I knew that you would eventually find out, though I hoped you wouldn't._

_I know you will blame yourself, love, but please, don't. _

_It's my choice, my life._

_And what is a life without a soul, a heart?_

_They will always be with you Edward, _

_So I don't think I can do this anymore._

_I'm sorry._

_I don't blame you Edward, how could I?_

_You gave me time of your life, and I'm grateful._

_Know that I understand, no one should live pretending to love someone they don't, it's wrong._

_I don't blame anyone else either. And to me, they, you, will always be my family, no matter what._

_Tell Esme I love her deeply. I never had a mother before I met Esme. Tell her she is amazing._

_Tell Carlisle that I'm grateful for the time I got to belong in your family; it was the best time of my life. And tell him that he is such an inspiration to everyone. He is my other father._

_Tell Jasper to take care of Alice for me, and that, to me; he was always my brother._

_I understand, and I don't blame him for what happened. _

_Tell Rosalie that I admire her strength, her determination. And even though_ _we weren't so close, I loved her too. I think she would have been an amazing mother, with her ability to protect those she loves. _

_Tell Emmet that he will always be my big brother; the one I knew would always protect me. Tell him to protect your family and that I wish I was enough, that I could spend more time with being his little sister. I'll miss him so much, and that I love him._

_Tell Alice that she is my best friend, my sister, and that she always will be. I wish now that she will burst through my window wanting to play "bella-barbie". I wish that she could have planned our wedding and been my maid of honour. Tell her I love her and to make sure that the family is never out of style. I love her and miss her._

_Goodbye Edward, I will always love you. I know it will hurt those around me, but it just hurts too much. I can't do it anymore. Don't do anything stupid. Please, for me. If you have just a little feeling, friendly, love or anything left, promise me that you don't do anything stupid. Let me rest, knowing that you'll live. It's the only comfort I can feel now._

I love you, always will. I'm sorry for not being enough, and I don't blame you. I'm sorry for breaking my promise, love, but you broke yours too. You could never leave my life completely. You can physically, but the evidence would always lie in my heart.

_I'm sorry, I love you._

_Always yours, Bella._

My family was utterly still while Carlisle read the letter. _Her_ letter. Her _suicide_ letter. Esme was sobbing on Carlisle's shoulder and Alice was trembling with convulsing sobs in Jaspers lap. Even Rosalie was sobbing. I was more dead inside than ever. She was gone forever. She still loved me, my family, after what I'd done to her. And she couldn't live anymore, because _I_ hurt her too much. I couldn't move.

I thought I would be past noticing anything at this point, but Emmet's thoughts broke through to me. He was blaming _himself_? I looked up.

"It's me to blame Emmet, not you," I whispered almost inaudibly.

"Yes, but it's mine too Edward!" he sobbed. I had never seen Emmet cry before. He got up and walked right into my face, with hate in his eyes.

"I was supposed to protect her Edward! And I didn't, I didn't protect her from _you_! And now she is gone, my baby sister is gone!" he yelled before he stormed out of the house. Rosalie rose slowly and moved towards me. "You told her you didn't love her, didn't you?" I looked down. "You complete ass! She was my sister too you know! And even though I didn't show it, I loved her." She smacked me hard, making my head turn involuntarily. Then she walked out after Emmet.

I sank to the floor, still not breathing. Alice was in complete trance, clutching at Jasper.

"I don't see her Jasper, I can't see her!" she buried her head in her hands and whispered, "I was going to be her maid of honour Jasper. She picked me, I was her first choice."

I died inside then. I died for my sister, for my mother, my brother, my family. I died for Bella, my Bella. I left her, and she died. I killed her. I didn't deserve to live. I vaguely felt Alice place her tiny arms around me, sobbing into me. Me sobbing with her.

"Don't you dare leave me too Edward, don't you _dare_. She asked you not to, she asked you not to Edward!" She yelled at me, shaking me to get a response. I could only stare. I wanted to die. My love, my perfect, innocent love was dead. Her blood was on my hands.

I killed her. I killed her. I _killed_ her.


	2. Chapter 2

BPOV

1 month earlier.

I couldn't do this anymore. I tried so hard, for Charlie, for Renee, for _him_. But I couldn't. Every time I took a breath it hurt. My heart wasn't happy. It was depressed. Gone. Dead.

I cried again. My body was exhausted and dead. I knew I was too thin. I knew it was killing Charlie. But even food reminded me of _him_. I couldn't help it. So I made the decision. I wrote the letters. I drove to La Push.

I was standing at the end of the cliffs now. The water was icy blue, cold. It was welcoming. It looked like home. I took off my shoes and jumped.

My body hit the waters and I felt content for the first time, the cold water engulfing me in it's icy embrace reminded me of the way he would lay his arms around me. I smiled, and felt the water take over my breathing, cutting off my lungs. Reminding me of his kisses. I allowed myself to remember now, see him in my head. "I love you, Edward".

I repeated the words as I sank to the merciful pits of the ocean.

I felt the sun burn my face as I stirred. Maybe I was in heaven? Then the pains shot through me, burning, searing pain. This couldn't be heaven, could it? I succeeded in opening my eyes and found myself looking into a mass of red. I tried to scream. No sound. I tried to get up. No movement. Then a pair of red eyes looked into mine with triumph, and it was black again.

_JUMPING TEN YEARS:_

I walked through the hall, keeping my amber eyes down. High School was hell. The lusty thoughts of my fellow students weren't helping either, thinking about their form for _"love"_. I pulled up my shield more thoroughly around me, making me disappear in the masses.

The day went as usual, no one noticed me, and I was glad. I was a shadow here, as always. It was fine by me though, this way I didn't have too keep up appearances. I shuddered as I walked past the biology room heading to chemistry. I never took biology, not since _him_. Again my own pathetic ways struck me, I couldn't even say his name, over ten years after, and I couldn't even say his damn _name_.

I knew I was pathetic, I really, really was. I had lost the love of my life. No, he hadn't died or gone to war, no, my love had gone tired of me and left me actually, and I had been in so much pain that I finally succumbed to it and jumped of a cliff.

Then someone "saved" me. _Victoria_. Her crimson hair and eyes, bending over me, biting the flesh of my arms and neck…

I shuddered, remembering the pain of my transformation. But the most pathetic is that I wanted it, for a second, I wanted the pain. Because it made me forget, forget him.

It was the ultimate way to break my promise to him, doing the one thing he never wanted for me. Immortality. But when I woke up, alone, pained, and remembering. Remembering everything I didn't want to. Remembering _him_.

All I wanted now was to be able to be human again. Because as an immortal, everything was stronger - I was stronger, the sounds were louder and the pain unbearably shattering. It felt as though my heart was ripped apart over and over again.

It was unbearable at first, I didn't move for months. I didn't hunt for months. But then I heard a familiar sound. Paws. Mountain Lion to be exact. When I smelled the blood coursing warmly through it's fur coat, my instincts took over and I pounced. It was surprisingly easy. After a while I realised I didn't feel the burn I expected. I concentrated hard, but there were nothing there. Maybe I was already experiencing enough pain.

I sighed silently; thinking about this wasn't going to help me. It wasn't going to help me at all. But I had to allow myself to cheat sometimes. Sure, it hurt, but the memories were my lifeline, the one proof that I had once had a life.

I got in to my car, preparing to drive home when Eleazar called. "Hi El," I answered. "Hi honey, how was your day?" I gave him the shorted version and promised I would be home in just a few minutes. I sighed as I hung up on him. Eleazar and his wife Carmen had found me as I was travelling through Europe. We immediately clicked; and they were like parents to me now. Like Esme and Carlisle. I cringed at their names. Even that hurt.

It was Eleazar that found out about my gift. I had a very powerful gift, and I was extremely grateful that Eleazar had left the Volturi. Before he met Carmen, he worked as a "recruiter" for them. It was Eleazars gift; he could sense other vampires' special abilities. I was a shield apparently (we were still researching the extent of it).

Up to now, I had found that I could read minds, delete and plant memories, protect others and myself against different gifts, and I could trick the minds around me. I usually used that one at school, making the students less aware of me. It gave me peace. I also didn't have a vampire scent, I smelled like strawberries and freesias, according to Eleazar at least.

I parked my Audi in the driveway, before making my way up the driveway to the house. It was beautiful. Carmen was almost as good as Esme at decorating. Almost.

We were stationed in Seaside, Oregon for the time being. Carmen acted as a home staying mom, Eleazar as an author working from home and I was their sixteen-year-old daughter. I think they know something is wrong with me, but they have never asked. I also go by my full name now, Isabella.

And I took over Phil's last name, to avoid suspicion. Isabella Dwyer. It wasn't me, but it was okay. I felt bad for not letting Eleazar and Carmen know my real name, but it was a part of my little protected bubble.

Welcome home Isabella, we're in the kitchen, we need to discuss something.

I heard Eleazars thoughts as I unlooked the door. I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach for some reason. We often talked in the kitchen. Weird.

I hugged my "parents" and sat down. "Okay, Isabella. We know something happened to you prior to the change. We notice how you wrap your arms around you torso and sometimes just completely space out. We haven't asked you about it, and we aren't planning to either. But we have to know if you can function with other vampires?" he paused and looked into my shocked face – this was so not the way I saw this conversation playing out.

"They are vegetarians of course." He paused, "Isabella, they are old friends, but I will say no to them visiting if you have something against it."

He took Carmen's hand and looked at me. I was stunned. Had they really seen all that in me? But who were the visitors? They were vegetarians, maybe… No, I couldn't let that hope fix itself in my head.

I looked into the faces of the two persons who had been there for me for so long.

"Of course they can come. You don't have to ask my permission." I finished a bit embarrassed.

"We are a family honey, you are like a daughter to us. And families ask permission." Carmen said lovingly, standing up and hugging me. "We love you, Isabella."

If I could still shed tears, they would be pouring by now.

We sat talking the rest of the night, of superficial and unimportant things. I loved it. I was as happy as I could ever be at that moment.

Apparently the coven coming to live with us was friends of Eleazars from when he lived in Alaska. They were supposed to stay in the house for a few weeks before getting situated in Rochester. They were supposed to be here tomorrow evening, so I went to my room to practise smiling. I had a feeling I would need it.

School was much of the same and today I went to hunt before going to meet our guests. To be honest, I was terrified. I had never lived with other vampires than Carmen and Eleazar. Not counting _them_. I was at the small meadow now. This was where I cheated. Where I relived all the memories and pains. This was my outlet.

I spent about three hours in the meadow. I think Carmen and Eleazar suspected this, but again, they never pried. I didn't tell either. I needed this place to break down. And I did break down. Every time a memory would hit me and I would sob tearlessly and uncontrollably while it broke my heart again. It hurt a lot, but without this I didn't think I would have been able to stand, let alone live.

As I parked my Audi in the driveway I noticed a Mercedes in front. I gasped at the memories flooding my mind. I stood there for several minutes until I could control myself. Then I chided myself for my own stupidity, this was not the same car. This was a dark green Mercedes. _Not the same_, I hissed at myself before walking in the front door.

Then as I looked up, I came face to face with the one face I never thought I would see again.

"E..Edward?"


	3. AUTHOUR NOTE BYEBYE FOR NOW

**DAWN OF SORROW IS TAKING A BREAK!**  
I'm going to continue the story, and I'm working on the chapters, but I have to figure out where I want this story to go. Sorry…

I'm also working on two new ideas. They are All-Human fics, and I've written pretty long on the first one. Both of them will probably be quite OOC, at least in the beginning.  
AND MY STORIES IS ALWAYS IN CANON PAIRINGS.  
Even when it takes a while...  
I have not started the second one yet, but it's coming :)


	4. Chapter 3

I'M BACK! Sorry sorry sorry for the long wait. Just so you know, I am writing on this all the time, but I don't know where I want it to go from here. Well, here's chapter 3 with EPOV!

As you maybe remember, last we saw Bella she

EPOV

I knew it was my fault. My family's thoughts were constantly trying to prove it wasn't, but _it was_. I had killed my Bel.. Ah, I couldn't even say her name anymore. I didn't deserve to say something so beautiful; I was only staining it, ruining it, _killing_ it.

I had killed everything, everyone I cared about. My family had fallen apart after our visit in Forks. Emmet couldn't look me in the eyes for a year. And Rosalie still resented me for it. Esme tried, she tried so hard, to not show her sorrow, to guard her thoughts around me, but it was no use. I had heard her the other day, when she thought she was alone. She was thinking of Bella, having found the photos she took of us before prom. I began to convulse at the memory. I know I deserve the pain, but my body refused to accept it. It was to much.

After two years, Alice and Jasper had to move away for a while. Jasper couldn't handle being around me or everyone else. I knew it was hard for him to be around Alice as well, no matter how much she pretended too smile or act excited. A part of her died at the same time I lost my love.

As we were driving through the rainy and green scenery of Oregon, the memories came back full time. Her smile when I told her I loved her, her eyes dying when I told her I didn't.

I knew I had to stop thinking about her if I was going too act pleasant while staying at Eleazar and Carmen. Apparently they had a new addition too their coven. A girl. I couldn't bring myself to care.

Bella. Isabella. Bella. _Bella!_

My mind never stopped saying her name, picturing her perfect face and small frame as she jumped of the cliff. It hurt. Though I knew I deserved it, it made me wish for my own death. I sighed. Ten years, ten fucking years since that day when I had finally succumbed and went back to her. Ten years of pain, agony and _loss_.

As we pulled up in Eleazar's driveway I blanched my thoughts, not letting anything pierce through my carefully built face of indifference.

As Eleazar saw us he smiled warmly before embracing us all. I gave him a smile I knew didn't reach my eyes. I then retreated to the room I had been given. A few hours later I was called down, as the third member of Eleazars coven was about to come in. Weirdly I couldn't hear any thoughts or smell any scents, but I clearly heard her turn the doorknob.

I looked up to meet the one face I thought had been forever taken from me.

"Ed…Edward?" She stuttered, looking beautiful and broken and immortal. I was too stunned to say anything. Before I had the chance Alice had leaped at my past beloved and crushed her to her chest. As did the rest of my family, I just stood there. I couldn't do anything else. I was too stunned.

I looked up and met a pair of golden eyes and it healed my heart and shattered it and fixed it and made birds sing and fall from the sky. Bella was here. Bella was not dead, but Bella was immortal and Bella was broken.

_You did that to her, Edward_, the traitor voice in my head said.

I still hadn't moved. I was still looking in her eyes. Then all I saw was the open door and my Bella sprinting out of it.

"What are you doing, you maroon! Run after her, dipshit!" Emmet yelled on top of his lungs before forcefully pushing me out the door.

I seemed to regain my senses then and left the house in a sprint so fast, humans didn't have a hope of seeing me. I tried to pick up her scent, but found none. That was weird. I then ran after my heart, basically on pure guesses, seeing as there was next too none traces of her anywhere. After a while I could hear noises coming from a small meadow just a few feet away. I knew she could probably hear me, but I stayed in the shadows watching my only love break apart.

She stood at the far end from me, shoulders slumped and her body was shaking with her convulsing sobs. It tore me apart inside. _I had done this to her._

I walked slowly forward and as I walked her knees wobbled and she fell onto the grass. I suppressed a sob as I came to stand right behind my broken angel.

"Go away, Edward. I'm fine." She sobbed tearlessly. I almost snorted. She certainly didn't look fine. I bent down and lifted her on her feet, her face towards me. She refused to look up, so I put a finger under her chin, lifting it up. She was so heartbreakingly beautiful.

I was just about to hug her and never let her go, when I heard her timid voice whisper;

"Please don't, It hu… Just please don't, Edward." It broke my heart.

"Why not, Bella?" I asked, afraid of the answer. Of course she would have moved on by now, and even if she hadn't, why the hell should she trust and love me. I broke her.

"I, I don't think I can handle it. It's too much Edward." Her voice was so heartbroken that I wasn't able to suppress the sob that rose in my throat.

"I'm sorry." She lowered her glance.

"Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for! _I_ left _you_, damn it!" she flinched at my words. I continued in a softer voice. "And I've regretted it ever since."

She looked up at me then and seemed to struggle with herself before getting a resigned expression on her face. I thought she finally got that I was glad to see her, but she just answered me in a detached, and cold voice.

"Okay, but this is my family Edward. I would appreciate it if you'd stay away from me, other than when we _need_ to associate." She looked away the entire time. She wiggled herself out of my grasp, and then the love of my life walked away. And I understood then. How could she love me after what I did? She tried to kill herself because I left her. She would never love me again.

That thought completely broke what was left of my heart. I fell to my knees in the exact point where my love had broken down before me, and I did the same. I let go of all the emotions.

The desperation, when I left her.

The loneliness, when I couldn't see her.

The joy, when I ran back for her.

The grief, when I found out she was forever gone

The guilt, when I realised it was because of me.

The numbness, when I knew she would never come back, and I had to keep living

The self-hate, when I saw my family falling apart.

The emotion rush, when I found her again.

And finally, the all-consuming, heart shattering loss, when I found that we would never be _us_ again.

I had never let myself feel the full amount of these feelings, the instinctive self-preservations kicking in. What did I have to lose now? I had nothing.

Soooo, what do you think? It'll probably be a while until I update again, seeing as I have just started on chapter 4, I'm trying to have a life, aaand I'm writing two other stories too. They'll be posted soon so keep watch! xoxo


	5. Authours final note

I am so sorry for the obnoxiously long wait, and I'm sorry that this isn't even a real chapter. Sadly, I will not continue this story, the inspiration just stopped. I want to see it finished though, and I will keep the story out here, and if anyone is interested in continuing it, they can send me a message here on ff, or email me on . For those interested, send me a excerpt of how you want to continue the story. I will read it, and if i like it, I will send the chapters (so you'll be free to edit it). I reaaly hope someone contacts me. Love, xoxo

PS: run by my profile, and see what I'm working on at the moment! If you are a fan of Harry Potter and Skins, or either, or anyway, this will be something for you!


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